What the fuck's going on?
Hang on, I've got the keys.
The gate's locked.
I don't believe the fucking gate's locked.
What you done to Fauntleroy?
I didn't touch him. He passed out.
Shut the door! D'you want the world to see?
What's going on down there?
Shit!
Charles, get the rifle out.
We're being fucked.
It must be this one.
Hold that gun. Plank, give me the keys.
Don't point that at my bollocks!
Planks of wood. I'm working with fucking planks of wood.
Shit! What the fuck is that?
What the fuck's that?
It's my bren gun.
Haven't you got something more practical?
Don't none of you slags move. I'll kill the lot of you!
Who you gonna kill, Plank? There's no one there?
Aaagh! They fucking shot me!
Well, shoot 'em back.
Jesus, Plank! Couldn't you get smokeless cartidges?
Shit, I've been shot.
I don't believe this. Could everyone stop getting shot?
John, sit down and patch yourself up, you tart!
It's a fucking air rifle!
- What the fuck was that? - The bren gun.
Fire that gun again, you're a dead man.
No ifs, no buts, you're a dead man!
I've got bollock ache with this. Where's my fucking gun?
Now I've got your attention. Firstly, I'll blow his toes off.
There go his toes.
If you want me out of here, open the fucking gate
or I'm gonna blow his leg off!
They're gonna kill us if we do, man.
Poor J'll certainly get it if we don't. He's serious.
I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls!
It's all fucking right!
Willie, he doesn't know you're here...
Sort something out.
And all your friends, there's a good lad.
- There's only three of us here. - I don't believe you.
- I'm gonna blow his leg off. - There's only three of us!
- Plank? - Yeah, one of 'em's out.
Open the gate.
Up, up, up, there's a good lad.
John, get them tied up. Plank, where's the money?
In those shoe-boxes.
- Where? - Out the back.
- And the weed? - Out the back.
- Point. - With what?
- Your hands! - I'm tied up.
Nod your head or something.
Check it out. Plank, get Paul out that van lively.
Knife.
I'm gonna cut him. Make sure he knows he's dead.
How you doing, Mick?
How d'you think? He's nearly chopped my arm off.
Jesus Christ.
Gordon Bennett.
What the fuck's been going on here?
Shut up, you idiot. It's Hanukkah.
Don't just stand there.
Can you fit it all in?
There's a lot...l can't get Epping Forest in my van.
Bollocks to can't.
You'll fit it all in if you have to make two trips.
Bollocks!
If you don't move it, we will move it.
- I'll only be a minute. - You've already been 15.
- Come and have a look. - At what exactly?
- The van's half full. - So?
All I've got to do is fill it up, put you in it...
What?
..and I'm off.
Can you carry more than one bag this time?
- I can't. My neck, Dog. - How many more bags?
Just a couple.
Mick, you dead yet?
I'll be all right. Once I've dealt with that lanky prick.
Do it quietly.
Time to say "Goodnight, nurse".
Where the fuck did she come from?
Tie her up. We're out of here.
Not like that, you idiot. Give it us here.
What you doing, Ed?
D'you want one?
No, I fucking don't. You cannot make tea, Edward.
The British Empire was built on cups of tea.
And look what happened.
If you think I'm going to war without one, you're mistaken.
Going to war with what?
Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat?
You won't get away with this.
- Paul, what's that? - It's a traffic warden.
What's he doing in the back of the van?
He was gonna call the cozzers.
Fair enough - we'll deal with him later.
How we doing, Tom?
Right as rain.
I'm gonna take care of the cabs.
Keep us posted.
Do you do airports?
Where are we gonna hide?
Don't complicate things. Just hide.
We're on.
They weigh a pound or two!
Shut up and back up!
Spin round, big boy.
Fuck!
Stay down. Stay down!
Tie 'em up. Tape 'em up. Hands and face.
On the floor!
Bend over the fucking desk.
Keys. I want keys, now.
I'll find ya.
'Course you will, sweetheart.
I'll find ya.
What d'you think this is? Fucking hide and seek?
That one. Search that one.
Right, I'll see you in the van,
when you've finished with handsome.
Jesus. That wasn't too bad, was it?
When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butchers.
We've hit the jackpot, lads.
We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed.
A shitload of cash.
And a traffic warden.
What?
Jesus, Ed. We got a traffic warden.
I think he's still alive.
He's got claret coming out of him somewhere.
What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know. I don't think we need him.
Knock him out and dump him at the lights.
What d'you mean, knock him out? With what?
Use your imagination.
Don't touch him up. Knock him out.
I'll knock you out!
You wanna knock him out, you knock him out.
I fucking hate traffic wardens.
It's about time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris.
Tomorrow's the day and mum's the word.
I can't have that, can l, Baz?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean it's a liberty.
I can't have a liberty taken, can l, Chris?
No, Harry, you can't.
I mean, it's enough to give me the arsehole.
I can't have the arsehole, can l, boys?
No, Harry, you can't.
All right, that's it. We're done.
We're off.
Ed, are you sure it's a good idea taking this back to yours?
It's the only place we can, and the last place they'll look.
Anyway, fuck it. The battle is over and the war is won.
Tom, take this to Nick the Bubble and get rid of it quick.
This skunk is as good as it gets.
All right. We'll take it. Half price.
I don't think he'll like that.
You said three five a key. That's a good price.
That was yesterday.
Now it's today if I'm not mistaken.
We'll take it tomorrow. Half price.
If he wants to get rid of it quick, he'll have to take it.
Look, I've got a race coming up, so if you'd be kind enough...
Lenny,
take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists.
They should have a gander at that.
I want a second opinion.
Hang on a minute, Nathan, something stinks.
Yeah, your fucking aftershave.
Fuck you, funny man.
For God's sake, help me.
I'm in pain. I'm in so much pain!
Go in slowly, Nathan.
Fuck you, funny man. You go first.
Get the fuck in there!
I want this house searched for bugs, stripped.
Even if there was a bug, they'd have taken it with 'em.
It's a bit late for you to start thinking.
If it's a possibility, that's good enough for me.
Then I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in
and tortured...badly.
I want to know who's responsible for this,
otherwise I hold you responsible.
Not a bad day.
That pile takes care of Harry.
What's left over?
Give me half a chance to count it.
What about this gear, then?
Oh, what, you want a toke on that?
No. I don't want any of that horrible shit.
Can we lock up and get drunk now, please?
We shot one of them... in the...er, throat.
What d'you want, a medal?
I'll shoot you if I don't get my ganja back.
The one you shot. Is he still in there?
No, it was another one.
That's more like it. Where is he?
Well, they...they took him with them.
He's still, still alive.
What did you shoot him with? An air gun?
Look, we grow weed. We're not mercenaries.
You don't say.
Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory?
Mr Breaker.
Today my name is Mr Breaker.
You think this is a coincidence?
This white shite steals my things
and thinks he can sell it back to me!
He's got less brains than you, Lenny!
Get Nick - the greasy wop
shistos pezavengy gammore Greek bastard round here now,
if he's stupid enough to be on this planet.
# Come with me, I'll fill you with desire
# Take my hand and we'll walk this land together ##
Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
Uuh?
Don't uuh me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they could steal my cannabis
and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war?
Is this some white cunt's joke?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Ni-ko-las!
You couldn't have known my position,
'cause you're not that stupid that if you did,
you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse,
with that "what's going on" look on your chevy chase.
But you do know where these people live.
If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think you are, I'll kill you.
If you forget anything, I'll kill you.
In fact, you'll have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll kill you.
Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak... you may enlighten me.
So we've got a bit of a problem, ain't we?
Er, well...yeah, we do.
In fact, this is a bit more than a bit of a problem.
It's the Mount fucking Everest of problems!
The reason it's such a fucking monstrosity of a problem is...
you haven't got the first idea who did this to us, have you?
We've been up all night. It's no one from round here.
We've had 'em all lined up against the wall.
If it was a toerag from the manor, we'd know.
- We'd know. - You'd fucking know!
You wouldn't know if it was the next door neighbours!
Get out there and find them!
I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
"Scarface" - I've watched "Scarface".
If you want to know how to do a drug deal, watch "Scarface".
That really inspires confidence.
This guy, Rory Breaker...
Rory Breaker - psychotic black dwarf with an afro?
That'll be the same man, yes.
I've heard of him - he's a fucking lunatic.
He can afford the deal at the price we're selling.
It's not worth him giving us any trouble.
He knows we'll be a pain in the arse. Who needs that?
I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
The fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Will you stop flirting for a minute?
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up...
nearly 200,000 pounds each.
Not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.
So they had the cash.
And the puff.
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
Shit, Dog. There's a lot.
Do you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door
'til we've flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs.
I don't want them to see you fingering the money.
Dog, look...
Give it us here...dozy bastard.
Check your guns. Get yourselves well hid.
Wait till they get right inside the door, then give it 'em.
Give me them shooters, you can use your own.
Yeah.
That's no way to answer the phone.
Is that you, Dean?
It's Lord fucking Lucan. Who do you think it is?
What can I do for you?
Those guns I sold you, I need them back.
Not likely. I don't think I'll be seeing them again.
I've got the money to pay for them.
I'm sure you do. But you don't understand.
I ain't seeing them or the guns again.
We can't get them.
If we can't get them, we can't get them.
You'll have to get them.
We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.
Inside, outside - I don't give a shit.
Get those guns because if you don't...
Yeah, Bazza, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale?
Otherwise known as "Hack You Up With an Hatchet Harry"?
Well, this is...
James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop.
Know what I mean?
I mean find 'em, torture 'em and kill 'em.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't, your family's bang in trouble.
Who was that?
That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
Jesus, I've heard of him.
Shit, they were his fucking guns we sold.
We've got to find them.
No fucking about, Nick. Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks and a little white kitten
sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do a proper decoration job.
I want the grey skies of London illuminated.
I want that house painted red.
All right, there's this brass standing on the corner.
Dwarf walks up to her carrying a suitcase...
Winston there is gonna come along
and see if he recognises any of them.
Watch out for these fellas -
they've got a bit of an arsenal and they don't mind using it.
I'm taking down her panties...
Does everyone know what they got to do?
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
You got something here for me, have you?
Chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
He's got the guns.
- You get them. - Why me?
You're supposed to be the hard case...
You get the guns! I drive the car!
Good boy.
- Get the fucking guns. - YOU get the fucking guns!
You fucking big...
All right. Wrap them guns up.
Count the money.
Put your seat belt on.
We've got to get the fucking guns or we're dead!
..so I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.
Get out the car, you yuppy fucker!
He's the one we shot in the neck.
Is that right, Mr Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus.
The money. The gear.
This is fucked.
No money. No weed.
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
All right. Don't panic. Let's think about this.
Fuck that, you can think about it.
I'm panicking and I'm off.
How did you get your hands on these, then?
The boys had 'em.
I know you like these sort of things -
wondered if you wanted 'em.
Yeah, I'll have 'em.
- Was it hard getting the money? - Not especially.
Upset a few characters, though.
Have you counted it?
Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.
- They were gonna pay? - Looks like it.
But who knows? The opportunity was there.
In my experience it's best to take that opportunity -
if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
We've got to get those guns.
We don't know who lives there.
I don't care who lives there!
All's I know is it's preferable to death by Hatchet.
Fair enough. Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that
the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily.
- I'm gonna phone him. - As if he'll care.
He'll care. That was supposed to be his money.
Whether he cares about us is different.
Pass me the phone.
Yeah? That you, boy?
It's Ed, if that's what you mean.
'Pay day, ain't it?'
Yeah...l wanted to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half a million nicker here,
which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've upset a few people.
But that really isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me... is the guns you had.
'l want to talk to you about that.'
So get your arse here now. And I mean now!
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
Bastard!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Job well done. We made a few quid out of that one.
Son...?
Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
You all right there, mate?
Very fucking funny. Where's what I want?
I've just left it in the office.
We'd better get it, if you want your son to see his birthday.
- Now chop-fucking-chop. - All right. fair enough.
Where you going?
It's a thirty second drive or a five minute walk.
I couldn't have parked outside, I'd have got a ticket.
I suppose that don't matter now, does it?
Just be careful.
Right.
You and me.
You and who?
You know where the door handle is, Tom.
# "The Payback" # by James Brown
# Pay back
# That's it, pay back.
# Revenge, I'm mad
# Get down with my girlfriend
# That ain't right ##
Oh, no. Not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom...that is our bag.
- Ed...! - Hold on.
This is our bag.
That's it. We're off.
- I'm gonna take these guns. - Tom, don't fuck about!
It'll only take a minute.
What is going on?
I don't know, but I do know there's no more Harry.
Which means there's no more debt.
If there's no more debt, there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the neighbours - they're all dead.
And I think, if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong and we're in the clear.
Never ever...
has anyone been as fucking rude...
..to me as you!
You fucking...bastard!
All right, mate?
Cheeky bastard!
'This was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in.
'But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding
'what appeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns.
'Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.
'So without anybody losing too much face,
'Tom left through a side door and Chris left with the money.
'Everybody else got arrested.'
He's not one of 'em.
# Sitting in the cheap seats underneath the stars
# I'm heading back to base
# I'll drop you off at mars ##
Your dad would like a word with you, Ed.
Where are the others?
They got out yesterday. They're at the bar.
# I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# Super-human being ##
All right, Dad?
I'm all right. How about yourself?
I'm all right. Could do with a drink, though.
All in good time.
So, are you in the clear?
More importantly...am l?
It appears so.
Appears? You'll have to do better than fucking appears.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad.
That's about as clear as it can get.
How about that drink?
You know where the bar is.
Eh?
Don't make yourself too comfortable.
Alan's got to sit there. Alan!
You're lucky you're still breathing,
Iet alone able to walk.
I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.
# 'Cause I'm a man machine
# Takin' gasoline
# I'm a teen dream
# Super-human being
# I'm a man machine
# I'm a man machine ! ##
You took your time. Where the hell have you been?
Sit down. I'll tell you.
The traffic warden identified the neighbours' bodies.
Which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case...
..is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns?
I wanted to talk about that.
Well, talk.
Well, actually...no.
They're in the car. I was gonna sell 'em to Nick,
but I couldn't get hold of him.
You dippy bastard.
So...the only thing connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car, which is parked outside!
They cost 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw 'em away.
They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?
You think it's worth the risk for £700?
Tom, you're a dick!
Take those guns and throw 'em off a bridge.
And yourself while you're at it.
Now.
Look, all I'm...
Now, Tom!
Can I have a beer, please, Dad?
I'm busy. Get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot.
And it seems to have cost him.
I ain't gonna make the same mistake, am l?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the word you're looking for, gentlemen, is "thank you".
Thank you.
You've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of meself and me son.
If you think that's unfair, pay me a little visit.
But you better be waving a white flag,
high and clear so as I can see it.
Or it'll be the last visit you ever make. Understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing...
It's been emotional.
# "Fool's Gold" # by The Stone Roses
# The gold road's sure a long road
# Winds on through the hills for fifteen days ##
We are now officially in the money-lending business, son.
Put your seatbelt on.
We're out of here.
It's empty.
# The pack on my back is aching
# The strap seems to cut me like a knife
# I'm no clown I won't back down
# I don't need you to tell me what's going down...
What's his number?
You'll jam the line! I'll call him!
My fucking batteries!
- You muppet! - Give me the phone!
- I'll dial it! - Tell me the number!
- Give me your phone! - You'll break it!
You'll break it and it'll be fucked!
Shut it. It's fucking ringing!
# "Oh Girl" # by Mauro Pawloski
# I'm eighteen with a bullet
# Got my finger on the trigger
# I'm gonna pull it
# I've picked a clip now I'm the son of a gun
# So hold it right there, Little girl, little girl
# We're gonna have big fun
# I may be an oldie
# But I'm a goodie, too
# I'll last forever
# And I'll be good to you Oh, yes, I will...